Q: Is Warty Hugeman real?
A: Warty Hugeman is all too real.
Q: What will Warty do when he finds out you've been spreading lies about him?
A: I have been commissioned by Mr. Hugeman to chronicle his adventures. The only lie I've ever told you, dear readers, is that he's not coming for you.
Q: Where was Warty Hugeman born?
A: In the drug-addled nightmares of a dying whore.
Q: Under what physical principle does your alleged "Warty Hugeman" purport to travel through time?
A: Warty Hugeman uses the the Hawking radiation from micro black holes to generate an instantaneous Einstein-Rosen bridge through unterspace to travel in space and time. Everyone knows this, moron. Stop being such a moron.
Q: How much can Warty Hugeman lift?
A: The weight of three Scolarian MegaOxen in a 1.3 Earth standard gravity field.
Q: What god does Warty Hugeman pray to?
A: None. Gods pray to him.
Q: Is there an evil, alternate universe Warty Hugeman? You know, like Spock with a beard?
A: There are thousands and thousands of alternate universe Warties. They all push against the boundaries of our universe in an attempt to cross over. They will do anything to get here. We are the only universe that ever invented The Bloomin' Onion.
Q: Is Warty Hugeman available for hire? You know, for events like business summits, conventions, and kids' birthday parties?
A: Warty only does bachelorette parties. En masse.
Q: Can Warty morph himself into a version of Warty that another Warty cannot lift?
A: Warty cannot morph himself until after The Crisis of Infinite Warties in 2097.
Q: Which Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle is Warty's favorite?
A: Michelangelo, because Warty once ate a pair of nunchucks. They were delicious.
Q: Can I get an autographed copy of a complete set of Warty Hugeman adventures?
A: Hopefully this will possible in the future. Right now the best you can do is go into a bathroom, shut the door, turn off all the lights and say "Warty Hugeman" five times in a row.
Excerpts from interview with author, unpublished piece commissioned by The Journal of the Royal Society of Henchmen, Minions, Goon and Cultic Adherents.
Q: What was the inspiration for Warty Hugeman?
A: The man himself. He is the time-traveling hyperviolent omnipervert that we all dream to someday be.
Q: Is there a message in the Warty Hugeman books?
A: No. But hopefully a future edition will feature a word jumble.
Q: What charity do you donate your Warty Hugeman profits to?
A: Bully International. They promote and support the efforts of bullies all over the US and Canada.
Q: What is Warty Hugeman's political affiliation?
A: King Warty himself is a Royalist.
Q: My kids want to read your books. Is Warty Hugeman appropriate for children?
A: Lil' Warty Adventures will begun publication sometime next year.
Excerpts from interview with author, unpublished piece commissioned by io9
Q: Are you a woman? I only like science fiction written by women or women-like people.
A: I refuse to answer that on the grounds that it may affect sales.
Q: Which Dr. Who is Warty's favorite?
A: The really gay one.
Q: Have you considered writing a Warty Hugeman/Dr. Who crossover?
A: Yes. Warty has sex with the TARDIS until it explodes and takes all the hot Companions with him to Fuck Planet, The Planet of Fucking. And fucking ensues.
Questions from Hit and Run comment section interview with author, 2014 March 28
Who would win in an arm-wrestling match, Warty or STEVE SMITH?
Warty, because he has opposable thumbs and STEVE SMITH cannot wear a backwards baseball cap due to abnormal cranial structure.
Warty Hugeman or Chuck Norris?
They once fought to a draw, but that was in the 1970s and before the degeneration cause by the background radiation of filming Walker, Texas Ranger caused Chuck Norris to do infomercials.
What, if any, connection exists between W.H and Geddy Lee? It seems like there ought to be one.
They have met many times in many times. "TheFountain of Lamneth" is a thinly disguised biography of Warty Hugeman.
Does Warty have any Presidential aspirations?
Warty Hugeman has been President many times. He has ruled as King, Emperor, Tsar, Pharaoh and Caesar. He was the horse that sexed up on Catherine the Great. He held the sheet music while Nero fiddled. He had sex with a Pyramid.
Is it true that Warty's middle name is "The"?
Warty Hugeman does not have a middle name. He sold it back to his father to buy his first car.
invisible furry hand
What was Warty Hugeman's first car and how did he fit into it?
1979 Pontiac Firebird and with ease. He wasn't born a huge man, he made himself one through will, tenacity and super science.
invisible furry hand
Is it true he refused to enter Bill Maher's vagina?
Yes. There are some places not even the strongest of us can venture.
Will there ever be a movie or television version of Warty Hugeman?
Negotiations are in the works, but Warty is holding out for when MEGAVISION is finally invented. Imagine a TV show that is also a national disaster and you will grasp the merest drop of the glory that is MEGAVISION.
I thought he was waiting for SMELLOVISION.
MEGAVISION engulfs all 18 of the human senses.