Art thoguhtfully provided by CPRM
Chapter One: Someone Shot Nostalgia In The Back
Baron Von Overman menaced Warty with his Scepter of White Rage. "You will never escape my Scepter of White Rage, Hugeman!" he screamed from his Nazithrone.
"Suck my asshole, Fritz," Warty replied.
"HUGEMAN!" The Baron screamed. The Scepter bobbed up and down and an interdimensional portal tore open the fabric of reality near Warty. Nazi cloned kanonenfutter troops began to emerge from it.
Warty grabbed the first one through, broke his arms and legs with efficient blows, and wadded up the gibbering young Aryan. He punted the dripping ball of blood and brains back through the portal and it zipped closed neatly. The various limbs of the troops in the process of coming through dropped to the throne room floor in a semi-charred heap.
"Get him! Get Hugeman!" the baron yelled at the dozen or so kanonenfutter that had made it through. They looked up from the pile of charred comrade parts and rushed Warty. He grabbed the first one that got close, spun him around and drove the stiffened fingers of one hand into his lower back. Warty tore his spine free and crushed the skull of the next one with it. He ruptured trachea, fingerfucked eye sockets, broke necks, and punched heads clean off until all of them lay dead around him and he was covered in gore.
Wiping blood and spinal fluid out of his eyes, Warty realized The Baron was chanting on his Nazithrone and rubbing the Scepter of White Rage up and down with long, languid strokes. Another portal was beginning to form to his right. Warty picked up a severed arm.
"You finish that invocation and I'm going to fuck you with this arm, Fritzy," Warty promised.
"Too late, Hugeman!" The Baron screamed. "Now is the time you suck my asshole!" White fire jumped from his Scepter.
Warty threw the arm at The Baron and covered his eyes as the room exploded with light. He could smell the laws of physics being broken and there was a thunderous crash of feedback noise.
When he could focus again, Warty stood to face what The Baron had brought through the portal. His balled fist went slack.
She was perfection. Icy and tall and blonde, full breasts straining against the fabric of her brown shirt, long legs in jodhpurs and black leather boots. And she wore a sneer he longed to fuck right off her face.
"You face our ultimate weapon, Hugeman," The Baron chortled, slinging the dripping Scepter of White Rage around. The girl ignored The Baron completely as she moved to Warty.
"There's not a woman alive I cannot master, you fat little turd," Warty told him.
Her eyes were covered in mirrored sunglasses that she lowered as she drew closer. Warty readied himself. Her irises were the color of methane hydrate and her pupils were not round.
"NAZI!" she screamed and beams of pure hate shot out of her swastika eyes.
Warty took a few steps back and smirked at her.
"That all you got, baby? I get this much hate at the gym when I do squats," Warty said. He walked toward her through the waves of hate.
The girl tore open her shirt and freed her perfect Aryan breasts. Her pink swastika nipples crinkled with power.
"NAZI!" she screamed again and hate flowed from her nipples, pure and milk-white. The rays pounded into Warty like warhammers.
"SO MUCH NAZI!" Warty screamed, but still he managed to step toward the girl, his clone-gored hands reaching for her perfect throat.
The Baron was capering beyond the girl, excitedly pulling on his scrotum like he was trying to rip it off. "More power!' he cackled. "Destroy him!"
She tore away the jodhpurs and exposed a white-blonde pubic swastika that hovered over a prim labial slit.
"NAZI!" she screamed a third time. Each hair of her hate-muff stiffened and fired themselves at Warty, little follicular jets burning as they shot toward him. They burrowed into his skin where they struck.
Her perfectly smooth, perfectly Caucasian genitals were the last thing Warty saw before he slipped into unconsciousness.
Chapter Two: There's A Taste In My Mouth As Desperation Takes Hold
"I know you are awake, Hugeman," The Baron said. He was trying to pitch a terrifying timbre in his voice, but it just came out sort of squeaky.
"Coffee," Warty said, not opening his eyes or moving. "Bacon, eggs, sausage, and ham… You bring me any carbs and I'll fist your sister."
"This is not a hotel," The Baron said.
Warty opened one eye and looked around. He was on the floor of a clear glass or plastic cube in the middle of a large and dark room. The timesuit was gone and he wore a baggy jumpsuit that crinkled like gift paper at every small movement. He pushed himself up into a seated position. He felt the crotch of the jumpsuit and frowned. The Doomcock and his deadly testicles were gone.
"Yes, Hugeman. I have unmanned you," The Baron said. He held up the Doomcock and waggled it back and forth. "This is very impressive. In what century did you have this made?"
"Century? That's brand new, Fritz."
"Come, come now, Warty. We know you are a time traveler. How else would you have found us here in the 31st century? We know you were born in the late 20th. And you are hardly immortal. Or do you think you will be the first Warty Hugeman I have captured? The first I have killed?"
"Maybe you caught one of my wuss-ass interdimensional duplicates, but I'm the real Warty Hugeman. That big black doomdick of mine that you're stroking is going to be the last thing you ever see, Fritz."
The Baron laughed contemptuously. "We are dismantling your timesuit as we speak. We will unlock its secrets and the timestream will be open to us. The Twelfth Reich will stand forever!"
"That's what the other eleven said, dipshit."
The Baron grimaced, his face turning purple. He turned sharply on his heel and stalked away.
Warty heard a woman scream "Heil TimeHitler!" That's when Warty realized the girl with the Nazi-ray eyes was in the far corner of the room.
"Heil TimeHitler," The Baron answered. He was still fuming.
Warty laughed to himself and stood. The only light in the room was shining down on his clear cube prison. He tapped one of the walls. It sounded like glass. Warty drew back a huge fist and punched it at about half his strength. The wall absorbed his punch by deforming slightly but snapped back into place immediately.
"The prisoner shall not attempt to escape!" the girl yelled.
Warty punched the wall again, putting everything into it. The wall moved out a few inches under his blow and snapped back.
"The prisoner shall not attempt to escape!" she said again and ran to stand at attention by the cube.
"This isn't glass. What it is? Some sort of force field?"
"The prisoner shall not speak unless addressed!"
She was dressed in the same outfit she had come through the portal in: brown shirt, jodhpurs, boots and glasses—her blonde hair in a severe braid.
"What did you drug me with? My head is killing me and I have a horrible taste in my mouth."
"The prisoner shall not speak unless addressed!"
"Yeah, yeah. I get it. But I'm not going to stop talking, so you might as well stop telling me to. But seriously, wow, what a terrible taste in my mouth. It's like old salami, but also sweet, too. Can I have a beer or something?"
The girl nodded sharply and typed something into a pad strapped to her wrist. Warty watched carefully as a long metal spigot dropped down through the clear roof. A drop of water hung down from the spigot. Warty touched it and water began to flow.
"What, I'm supposed to drink out of this like a gerbil or something?"
One corner of the girl's mouth moved slightly and Warty knew how he was going to get out.
Chapter Three: My Favorite Weapon Is The Look In Your Eyes
Warty tore off the arms of his baggy jumpsuit.
"The prisoner will not alter their clothing in any way!" the girl yelled.
He wadded the arms of the jumpsuit together and threw them into the corner. Warty began to forcefully rub his biceps and triceps, kneading the skin to activate his oil glands. His bulging muscles began to glisten in the actinic lights of the cube prison.
"What is the prisoner doing?"
"I'm self-oiling. Jealous?"
He struck a sudden pose, knotting his musculature together. The girl took an involuntary step back.
"Stop that," she blurted.
"Stop what?" he asked and tore open the front of the jumpsuit, exposing his massive pectoral muscles.
"Your body…" she began.
Warty reached over to his water tube, took a handful and rubbed it over his head.
"My body," he said.
Warty let the top of the jumpsuit fall down around his waist. He ran through a set of poses designed to destroy the rational parts of her mind: The Front Lat Spread, The Front Double Biceps, The Side Chest… on the Rear Lat Spread she cried out. By The Side Triceps, her knees buckled and an alarm began to cycle.
"Nein!" screamed The Baron as he ran into the room. "Nein!"
The girl snapped to attention.
"What do you think you are doing, Hugeman?" The Baron demanded.
"Just a little isometrics, Fritz," he replied innocently.
The Baron slapped The Scepter of White Rage against the girl's side and laughed.
"You cannot seduce her, Hugeman. This girl is the result of fifty generations of selective Aryan breeding. She is of the finest stock. A living weapon for the ZeitFührur! She wants nothing of your mongrel genes!"
"Of course not," Warty murmured and slipped back into the Front Lat Spread.
The Baron shifted his weight uncomfortably. "I am sending in more guards!" he snapped.
Warty only smiled at him, looking back over his shoulder from a Rear Double Biceps.
"Be brave!" The Baron told the girl. "Remember your breeding and your oath to the ZietFührer!"
"Ja, Baron," she replied.
Warty dropped to the floor and did knuckle pushups until The Baron scurried away. He sprang to his feet when he was gone.
"Fifty generations of breeding?" he asked, making a fist to ripple the muscles in the forearm of his free hand. Warty ran his hand slowly down his abs and into the loose front of his jumpsuit.
"Yes," she said. She shifted her hips and crossed her feet like she needed to pee.
"How did they manage that?"
"Your technology, Warty Hugeman. We cannot travel in time, but we can violate locality to speed up gestation and maturation. It still took the ZeitFührer over three hundred years working in secret to create me." She looked down at herself and smiled.
"Should you be telling me this?"
"No, Warty Hugeman."
"Then why are you?"
"You…" she looked away.
Warty got very close to the transparent wall of the prison cube.
"You are the only real man I have ever met," she whispered.
Warty stepped back and tore off the jumpsuit completely. A huge pink penis jutted from his waist like an angry forearm.
"But," the girl stammered, "we took your Schwarzewaffe!"
"I grew another," he said as six more guards stomped into the empty space. They headed right toward him.
"I've learned to always have a back up."
Warty backed up a few steps as the new set of guards approached the cube. They were all yelling at him in broken German. He waited until they were all close and struck the Most Muscular pose. A huge pair of testicles slid out of his body and all the guards fell over.
The girl with Nazi-ray eyes stepped over their twitching bodies, lifted a hand to the cube and Warty felt a rush of displaced air as it disappeared.
"Rosawaffe," she grunted and grabbed it with both hands.
Chapter Four: Got Caught Raping An Angel, Got Caught Stealing Fire From The Sky
They made savage love on the bodies of the dead guards. She screamed and bit him as he broke the thick band of her hymen with an audible pop. The girl reached up and tossed her glasses away, her swastika eyes boring into him. Warty turned her over and took her roughly from behind, slipping a spit-covered finger into her perfect pink anus. She ripped the faces of the guards as she scrabbled for purchase on the bodies, thrusting back ever more desperately, impaling herself on him. He slapped her bucking ass with his free hand and it sounded like a rifle shot in the empty spaces of his prison. He ejaculated again and again, mixing semen with her blood and the blood of the guards and the thick erotic discharge she produced in delightful excess.
They parted and fell back together on their bed of ruined corpses. Her breathing was loud and ragged as the aftershocks of dozens of orgasms shook her body. She rolled over and tried to hug him to her, but Warty moved away.
“Warty doesn’t snuggle,” he said. He wiped his still erect penis off with a guard’s hat and stood up. The light streaming down lit his muscles as he stretched like some enormous cat.
“Warty Hugeman, you are a god,” she whispered. He grinned at her.
“What is your name?” he asked.
“Anna, put your clothes back on, we need to get out of here,” he told her. She nodded silently.
Warty found the largest dead guard and pulled his clothes off. They barely fit him. He had to tuck his penis down one of the pant legs to get them on and settled for just an undershirt when the back tore out of the jacket. He found that their uniform’s holsters were all empty.
“No guns? Where are the guns? I need lots and lots of guns. Big ones.”
“None of the guards are armed,” she said. “I was never told why.”
Her last act of getting dressed was putting her mirrored glasses back on. Warty looked at himself twinned in her eyes.
“Do you have to wear those?” he asked.
“Since the surgery,” she said. “I was not born like this. I’ve had… modifications.”
“Did you want them?”
“The ZietFuhrer wanted them. That was all that mattered.”
“Let’s get out of here. They brought you through a portal, but you’ve been here before, right?”
“Ja. I mean, yes,” she said.
“Where would they keep the stuff I was wearing when you showed up?”
“There is a central laboratory on the floor below us. The timesuit will be there, and most likely your pubic arsenal as well.”
“You know about the timesuit?” he asked.
“I have studied you my whole life, Warty Hugeman. Your history, your equipment, your travels, at least what we know of them. I was bred to destroy you. You are the reason I exist.” She took a couple steps back and looked at her feet.
“Goddamn, that is fucking hot,” Warty said. “I’d take you right now if I didn’t need my stuff. Help me fuck The Baron up, and I’ll take to a place where MDMA is in the water fountains and every houseplant shits lube right into your hand.”
Warty planted his foot in the crotch of the body he had stripped for its clothes and wrenched its right leg off. He swung it experimentally as a club.
“I’m ready,” he said.
Chapter Five: Everybody Happy As The Dead Come Home
"Where are all the guards?" Warty asked Anna after twenty minutes of creeping quietly through deserted corridors.
"I do not know. It makes no sense. The last time I was here there were many personnel."
Warty was following her as they talked and kept cupping her ass with his enormous hand.
"You are insatiable, Warty Hugeman," she told him. He nodded and grinned.
"I'm sick of sneaking around. Let's head for that lab you mention and get this show on the road."
Anna turned and slapped him suddenly and then kissed him.
"Come, Warty Hugeman," she said, laughing. She slid a strong hand down the outline of his penis in the pants before taking his hand and pulling him along as she headed down a long flight of stairs. Toward the bottom, Warty began to hear sounds of machinery and felt spacetime begin to throb around him like a sore tooth.
They rounded a corner after the last step and saw The Baron gesticulating wildly in front of an open, shimmering portal. Young men and women--Aryan and tall and beautiful--were lined up, two by two, and were marching in a neat column into the portal. Warty saw that the machine generating the portal was hooked up by a mass of wires to his timesuit. A low growl formed in his throat.
The Baron looked at a comically large timepiece as the last of the Aryan couples disappeared. Warty looked around. The Baron was all alone, and Warty ran at him.
"Ah, Hugeman," The Baron said, turning. Warty stopped short. "About time you got here. Imagine, a time traveller turning up late." He clicked the timepiece close and tucked it into a pocket.
"What the fuck is going on here?" Warty demanded.
"Say goodbye to her, Hugeman," The Baron said. He gestured with The Scepter of White Rage. Warty turned to see a portal open beneath Anna and then another open in front of the time portal. Anna fell and screamed until she disappeared.
"Where have you sent her?" Warty demanded.
"Somewhere you will never find her."
Warty advanced on him. "I'm going to wring your fat neck."
The Baron underhanded The Scepter of White Rage at the open time portal and it closed without a sound. The Scepter fell and shattered, scattering pieces all over the floor.
"You will never find her, Hugeman," The Baron said. Warty punched him in the face.
"Of course I'll find her. I'll give her your skin as a Fuckmas present."
The Baron lay on the floor, his nose smashed flat, his mouth dribbling blood.
"You never do find her, so you can never find her. Closed loop, Hugeman."
"Fucking paradox. You asshole." Warty balled a fist.
"She's pregnant, Hugeman. She will be the mother of my army. That's why I took your Doomcock, so you'd grow another." The Baron began to laugh. "An army of Aryan Hugeman. The universe is mine."
"But you said she was the end of the breeding program."
"The end and the beginning. You just fucked your own great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great- great-great-great-great-great-great-granddaughter! And she had sex with her own great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-"
Warty punched The Baron in the throat before he could get out thirty-eight more greats.
"Father," The Baron finally rasped.
"Oh, shut up," Warty told him. "Fifty generations. I probably have as much consanguinity with her as I do you."
The Baron struggled to move and failed.
Warty unhooked the timesuit from where it was wired into The Baron's makeshift time portal. He tore off the pieces of the guards' uniforms and slipped into it.
"If you broke this being an idiot," he told The Baron. "I'm going to take you to a place where I can pay to have you raped to death by porcupines. And a place like that exists. I spent a weekend there once. It was hilarious."
The Baron groaned weakly.
"Self-diagnostic," Warty muttered into the suit microphone. He searched on the vast workbench next to the time portal. He found the Doomcock and slipped it into a pocket. His Doomtesticles were nearby, held tightly in a vice.
"Assholes," Warty said, retrieving them. They seemed fine as he examined them.
"FULL FUNCTIONALITY," the suit reported.
Warty kicked the shattered pieces of the Scepter of White Rage away and squatted down next to The Baron, his testicles in hand.
"You know what's going to happen now, dumbfuck?" he asked The Baron. "You are going to die and never lead your army. This was all for nothing."
"Hugeman, I am just a portion of the ZietFuhrer. A fingernail clipping," he whispered. "You are fucked."
Warty sighed and held up a forefinger. A needle slid out and he stabbed it into The Baron's neck and read his heads-up display.
"I got you, motherfucker," Warty said, jerking the needle out roughly. "I'm going to find you. We're out of the loop now. Paradox can't prevent it."
He laid his testicles on The Baron's chest almost tenderly.
"I'm going to leave now. About three seconds after you see me disappear into the timestream those are going to make it about five times as hot as the surface of a star in here. And in every direction for about a mile. That should take care of whatever Reich you said this was."
"You'll never find your child!" The Baron said.
"Probably not, but you have fun melting in a hell of nuclear fire."
Warty whispered a time coordinate into the suit and was gone.