Wednesday, March 4, 2015

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 6 (of 6)

"Up a head, Simon. I think I see a light." Warty turned off the lights of the timesuit. A faint glow lit up the next colossal bend in the endless colon.

"I see it as well, Warty Hugeman. Maybe our journey is almost at an end," Simon transmitted.

They both began to move faster through the intestinal tunnel. The light grew so bright they could make out every ghastly detail. There was a kernel of corn larger than the house Warty had grown up in. There was something that might have been a thoroughly chewed and digested Lincoln Continental. They marveled at a polyp larger than a football stadium.

When they made it around the colonal bend, they saw the source of the light. It was a colossal machine propping open the entire large intestine. They ran toward it. The scale of it was unbelievable. It was larger than most spaceships Warty had ever stolen. There was a crease in the bottom of the great circular collection of pipes and valves and intricate, if massive, cogs. The machine towered over them as they got closer.

She was waiting for them when they finally arrived at the base.

"Took you long enough," she said. She was in her mid-twenties and beautiful, a transparent bubble helmet showing off her heart-shaped face. While Warty studied her, she pulled out a pistol and shot Simon in the face.

"Simon!" Warty screamed, catching him before he fell to the muck-encrusted floor of the colon.

"I'll kill you, bitch," Warty growled, weapons springing from his hands and pants.

"Calm down," she said. "That's not Simon. Go on, look."

Warty looked down at Simon's ruined face. Bone and blood and brains spilled out.

"Robots don't bleed," she said. "Unless they are on their period, of course."

"What it is this?" Warty demanded, shaking the corpse of the impostor of his robotic friend.

"Some Time Institute idiot, after your suit as always. You should just let them a have an old one, you know. In every universe they've gotten a hold of one they just blow themselves up trying to take it apart."

"What is this place? Who are you?"

"This is the engine of Balloonknot," she said, sweeping her hand up at the machine. "I invented it so I could drive this butt planet around."

"Why?" Warty had let the body go and was picking bits of gore off the timesuit.

"So I could find you, of course. Spread enough rumors around about a giant ass planet, and you were bound to show up. Especially with your ego."

"What you do mean by that?" Warty was growing bored and angry and felt like he had been tricked.

"Didn't you recognize it? It is your ass, after all." Her giggle was high and clear, like shattering glass.

"How could it be my ass? My ass is right here!" Warty said, snaking a hand back to check.

"Well, it's one of your asses. There are an infinite number of them, after all. In the universe this ass is from, you decided to never stop getting bigger. When you were eventually killed, only your butt and parts of your pelvis weren't parceled up to feed your trillions and trillions of victims. Truly Giant Warty was a real evil bastard. I stole your butt for my own use."

"Why would you do that?"

"I'm your daughter, silly. I'm Alys Hugeman."


Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 5 (of 6)

Even with being forced to dodge the occasional pulsing surface veins and avoid anal crevasses large enough to swallow a thousand time-traveling strongmen, the pair made good time. Within two hours they were at the puckered center of the titanic butthole.

"Once we slip through the anus itself, the sigmoid colon should be empty enough for us travel freely," Warty said. "Hold still, Simon."

Warty used the enormous reserves of the timesuit to spray Simon with a thick coating of industrial grade lube and then himself with the same.

"Are you ready?" he asked Simon.

Simon nodded and then ran toward the center of the sphincter, building up as much speed as he could on the hot, rubbery flesh. With a cry he jumped and executed a perfect swan dive into the anus. He stopped at his shoulders.

"Simon?" Warty transmitted. "Are you OK?"

"I am undamaged, Warty Hugeman. But I cannot move. This anus is tighter than either of us could have ever imagined."

"I'm coming, Simon," Warty told him.

Warty had to stifle a laugh. Simon's legs and torso stuck straight up in the air.

"Do you want me to pull you out?" Warty asked. "We could try again somewhere else. There a kilometer of sphincter to choose from."

"I do not think so, Warty Hugeman. Please attempt to push me through. I believe the pressure is lower just a few meters below me, but I can find no purchase against the rectal walls."

Warty Hugeman pushed downward on Simon's feet, but the angle was awkward and the surface under his feet treacherous.

"Simon, I have an idea. Retract your genitalia and then armor your crotch," Warty told him.

Simon was silent for a long moment. "Uh, OK, Warty Hugeman. You may proceed."

Warty pried apart Simon's legs and put his right foot in Simon's crotch and then stood up on the one leg. The beginnings of a strangled cry was cut off when the transmitter link went dead.

"You OK, Simon? Simon?"

"Proceed," was all Simon said.

Warty steadied himself on Simon's feet and then jumped as high as he could and came down on Simon's crotch. He moved a few inches deeper into the rectum. Warty jumped again and again and again, coming down on Simon's crotch with as much force as he could manage. When Simon's pubic area was firmly in the anus, Warty began pounding Simon's feet with his massive fists until they disappeared.

"Simon? Are you through? Is there a way into the sigmoid colon?"

Simon answered after a full minute. "Yes, Warty Hugeman. I was able to claw my way through."

"OK, I'll be down in a minute."

Warty thrust his hands in the anal opening that was still visible from Simon's passage and pulled the walls apart far enough to sink into to his waist. And then bracing his lower back, he brought his knees to his chest and pushed out with his feet. The anal fissure grew wide enough for him to be able to crabwalk down into the unknown spaces below.

Warty laughed when he finally was able to drop down next to Simon.

"I don't know how we are going to get back out," Warty said, "but at least that part is over."

"I'm glad to see you didn't have the same difficulties as I did."

"You totally loosened it up for me, Simon."

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 4 (of 6)

"Warty Hugeman, can you hear me?" It was Simon's voice coming over the timesuit's speakers. He sounded very far away.

Warty felt the skin tag shudder as Simon tore the pitons out to release him. Simon caught him as he fell forward and gently lowered him to the ground.

"What happened?" Warty asked thickly.

"The secondary fartquake had a… projectile component. One of them hit the skin tag hard enough to knock you out," Simon said. He helped Warty to his feet.

"I had dream, Simon. Or maybe a vision. You and I lit a fartquake and used it to roast an entire planet right down to the bedrock.” Simon laughed in robotic delight. "Where could we get a Zippo big enough, Simon?"

"We must first find out what is causing the methane outgassing," Simon said.

"Of course, of course. We must make for the anus as quickly as possible." Warty electrified the gloves of the timesuit and burned his harpoon free of the tagmeat.

"Yes, Warty Hugeman. I have plotted a route to the rectal center."

Thursday, February 26, 2015

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 3 (of 6)

"We'll anchor in place. This skin tag as obviously weathered thousands of fartquakes," Warty reasoned. 

He ripped open his carryall and began pulling out equipment. Cables and ropes and a piton gun were passed to Simon and he began studding the base of the anal skin tag with anchors. There was little blood, but the skin tag twitched every time Simon fired into it, and it writhed when Warty used his enormous strength to drive a large harpoon to the hilt to act as an anchor of last resort. 

"OK, Simon. You first," Warty said, reaching out for the cabling.

"No Warty Hugeman. I should secure you first," Simon said.

"Good idea," Warty said and gathered the slack skin tag flesh round him.

"Did you not wish to know why I should secure you first?" Simon asked.

"Nope, just do it. Hop to, now." As soon as Warty finished speaking, the nearby giant anus puckered and shiver went through the entire backdoor canyon, as if it agreed with him on the timetable.

"You are very important to me, Warty Hugeman," Simon said, as he cocooned Warty in the tag meat with a web of cabling woven at robotic speed through the pitons. "You freed me from my cruel creators and gave me a freedom no one else in my product line will ever experience."

Warty sighed inwardly. This was not the first putatively male artificial humanoid to confess its love for him. Few manbots could resist Warty's sociopathic flat affect or his massive quads.

"Look, Simon. I really like you too, but…" Before Warty could finish interrupting him, Simon stepped away and then lashed himself into the tagflesh.

"You were saying something, Warty Hugeman?" Simon asked

"Don't worry about it," Warty said, right as the apocalyptic farting began.

The lavish display of starlight in the sky above Balloonknot lit up the canyon as the buttal cleft was split open by the escaping gas. The fart seemed to go forever, the pressure waves slamming into anal skin tag, making it lurch sickeningly. The anus snapped close once, causing the skin tag to shoot upward. Warty briefly thought that it was over, but a secondary fart was lurking behind the clenched anus and battered them once more when it came rushing out.

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 2 (of 6)

Hours later the two indefatigable analnauts stood on the rim of the huge buttal cleft that split open the face of Balloonknot.

"It's down there, Simon. I wish there was some other way, but this giant hunk of butt is blocking our sensors. Unless we go spelunking, we'll never know how Balloonknot works."

"I was not programmed to feel fear, Warty Hugeman. You taught me that. I can delete those files if you wish."

"No, Simon. Feeling fear when confronted with a rectal opening large enough to use a mountain as a butt plug is what being human is all about."

Warty and Simon dove off the edge of the cleft and descended rapidly down the foul decline, even swinging from asshair to asshair occasionally, like the apes one of them was a close cousin to. They rested when they were nearly to the bottom, perched on a skin tag as large as a sailing ship of old. It was dark down by the craterous anus, and both had sifted to false color light amplification.

"How does something like this even work, Simon? I mean, we can't find a mouth or other openings, but this is all living flesh. Shouldn't it just be frozen solid?" Warty ruminated.

"I do not know, Warty Hugeman. Most living creatures with an anus also have a mouth, making sentients like you [toroidal/doughnut-shaped]." Simon said.

Warty jerked at the insertion of the timesuit's translator to provide equivocation of what Simon had expressed. It did it constantly in his early interactions with Simon, almost making anything Simon said into indeterminate gibberish. Hearing it now set off an alarm in a small backroom of Warty's mind.

"But the connection of the mouth and the anus doesn't have to be strictly physical," Simon continued. "Perhaps the mouth of this creature is thousands of light years away and the waste it generates is translocated to this organ who's function is strictly execratory.”

The alarm in Warty's mind grew louder. Something was very wrong.

"I note a posture of alarm, Warty Hugeman," Simon transmitted subvocally.

"It's too soon," Warty said. "Given the projections, we still had hours before the next one."

"What is it?" Simon asked.

"Fartquake. FARTQUAKE!" Warty screamed.

Tuesday, February 24, 2015

Warty Hugeman and The Endless Asshole: A Warty Hugeman Time Travel Adventure: Part 1 (of 6)

Warty Hugeman and his adequately functioning robot helpmate Simon bounded across the folds and wrinkles of the moon with effortless grace.

"What about 'Farto: The Living Asshole?'" Warty asked.

"It is a good name, Warty, but aren't all assholes living?" Simon replied.

"Assholes can be dead, but I guess it is a bit redundant to say that it is a living asshole given that is the whole attraction of visiting it."

Simon made a rapid series of clicks and whirrs that the timesuit interpreted as laughter.

"We could just call it 'Butt,'" Warty suggested. "It's simple and to the point."

"Warty, seismic tremors are incoming."

They both adjusted in mid-leap to land near a giant butthair to anchor themselves to. The entire moon began to rumble.

"We are definitely calling these 'Fartquakes,'" Warty said, through chattering teeth. The outgassing event continued for seven full minutes, thrusting the asshole-shaped moon even faster toward the center of the galaxy. At the current rate of punctuated acceleration, Simon had calculated that the fleshy orb of buttflesh and its methane geyser would meet the black hole in the center of the Milky Way in a little less the 8.6 million years. Already the sky was almost pure white with the dead light of a billion suns.

"Atmospheric methane density has increased," Simon announced. The timesuit was getting better at translating him; when they first met, Simon talked like a robotard.

"How far has it been since the last sample site?" Warty asked.

"Five kilometers."

"I'm going to sample again."

Warty plunged his harpoon down into the buttmeat of the moon's surface, leaning on it to drive it deep. Buttblood spurted into the methane-rich air. The harpoon screeched after a moment and Warty pulled it out.

"The readings are the same, Warty Hugeman. I am forced to conclude that this entire moon is a single, living butthole of staggering proportions."

"And it's all ours Simon," Warty said. "Think of what we could do if we could harness it, steer it. We could cropdust entire solar systems!"

"Warty, I have been consulting the historical files. What about designating this moon 'Balloonknot?'"

"That's perfect, Simon! I love it! Come on, robopal. Let us plumb the mysterious depths of our Balloonknot!"

Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Suitable for Ages 3 and Up

Lil' Warty Hugeman and The Diabolical Nursery of Dr. Buttouch:
A Lil' Warty Adventure Tale 

Lil' Warty Hugeman scaled the side of the sofa. It was a good vantage point; he could see three entrances to the living chamber they had broken into. Warty reached down to help Lil' Marissa up. It was like she weighed nothing. Lil' Warty Hugeman was a very muscular toddler.

"Thank Ba'al you still have your strength, Warty," Marissa said, her unfused soft palate giving her the cutest lisp.

"Buttouch's weapon was able to de-age our bodies, but it couldn't strip away our essential natures. I have always been strong, all the way back to the day that I tore myself out of my mother." He patted his six-pack with a powerful hand and smiled at the memory.

"Now that we are out of the lab I can get status updates on my bioware," Marissa said. "I think I can instantiate my suit."

Warty nodded and farted wetly into his timediaper. He wasn't sure if what the timesuit had been reduced to was functional at all. His infant nervous system wasn't coupled to the suit any longer and only the crude exterior controls worked. The onboard Limited AI was barely more than a graphing calculator after being hit with the de-aging beam and Warty had been forced to lock it out of general systems. He was afraid if he attempting a time jump, the timediaper might take only his pelvis to a different spacetime. Warty rather liked his pelvis.

Marissa struggled out of her "Little Stinker" t-shirt and peeled off her diaper to stand nude on the couch cushions.

"You could have warned me," Warty said, turning his back to her.

"Don't be such a pussy," Marissa said. "Were both babies, for fuck's sake."

"It's just weird."

"You've seen me naked a thousand times," she said, wiping her wispy blond hair back with a chubby hand.

"This kind of shit is how rumors get started," Warty pouted.

Marissa began trying to summon her suit from unspace, focusing her attention on the bioware construct of the suit in her mind's eye. It was usually so easy, ever since hoodwinking the Brainarchy out of the upgrades. She just had to imagine herself wearing the suit and it appeared. She formed the image of her adult body, tall and strong, a silvered abstraction in the suit as it engulfed her completely. She grunted with the strain.

"Are you pooping back there?" Warty asked.

"Shut up, I almost had it."

Marissa furrowed her smooth brow until the answer came to her. She was no longer her adult self. She was not longer strong or tall. She imagined a baby—stubby legs and arms, lolling giant head—and let the silver swallow it. Marissa open her eyes and saw that she was wearing a silver onesie.

"Uh, that doesn't look right," Warty said.

"I thought you weren't looking," she said.

"There's a, uh, smell when you instantiate your suit."

"A smell? What are you on about?"

"It's not a bad smell," Warty said, holding up both hands.

"What does it smell like?" Marissa demanded.

"It smells like what it smells like." Warty shrugged and grinned, showing his toothless gums.

"Does it smell bad?"

"Not anymore."

"What do you mean by that?" Marissa put her little hands on her baby hips.

"Look, can we talk about your bioware odor after we get the hell out of here?"

"So now it's an 'odor?'"

"By all the Gods of Death Metal, give it a rest, woman!"

"We are going to talk about this when we get back to the fortress."

"Yeah, yeah," Warty said. He jumped off the side of the couch and held his arms out.

"You are a very weird-looking baby, you know," Marissa said, before jumping into his strong embrace.